That's the way I can put it. I was watching Jericho yesterday, and you know the guy that lives on anawesome-looking farm overlooking the hills? I thought: "I want to live ina place like that!". But I couldn't be obothered with all the har work that comes with it.
I must be one of the laziest people alive. I know exactly how to make money, how to become rich (which I wouldn't mind, being rich I mean). But I couldn't possibly give so much importance to all the stuff you have to give importance to in order to get rich.
A friend a while back told me (he was almost coerced into telling me) what might help me feel happier would be to find a project i was apassionate about. There ar a lot of things I am passionate about when we discuss them, but none I am passionate about beyond those 5 minutes we are talking about them. None. That's because I make sureI live everyday according to my view of life, and I try and influence whoever interacts with me as much as possible towards that same view, but that's as far as it goes. Yes I like to write about it in case anybody might want to find some inspiration there, but that's really it.
I couldn't possibly go through al the passion that is required to become an avid collector, a botanist, an iron worker. Yes I'd love to work on my jewellery, but partly due to the discomfort of the set up until my ankle is healed properly, partly because I have too many other things on my mind, that is not happening either.
When I think about these things, and I think about what other people do in their big and little passions, I feel very bad about myself.
But, then, I think hey! Who is better than me in a crisis? Nobody I know! Ok fortunately we don't have many emergencies happening lately but still if we did, I'd be great (although i don't know any first-aid, that is another no-no).
Who will always respond to you on a very human level if ever you need me? Me! (Though that doesn't mean I can promise I'll stick around to be there for you in the future).
So, all and all, a not very good character really. Hopefully I won't affect my children. Hopefully they'll want to go through the trouble of studying harder, making an effort, doing the job.
I suppose though passion is what I have often been known for, ennui should be at least my middle name.
Monday, 7 July 2014
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Be nice?
I don't know what I meant for this blog to be.
All I knew is that my previous blog, windruffle, had become obsolete. You see, the purpose behind there was to stir some compassion, some craving for life, some thought into people. Things happened that made me feel like that was not going to happen, so I had to diss windruffle, along with all her efforts, cryings, hurts, pains, mental stress and depression. She was trying in roundabout or direct ways to dig out some blood from a stone, as the expression goes.
I have been living in Cambridge now since 2010. All my life, and I mean ALL my life (since I started to talk, my sister tells me I used to scream to my cold-hearted Scorpio mother to love me. WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME??? I used to scream) I have done nothing but that, using different voices, intonations, recitations, confrontations, altercations, supplications.
At some point (quite young) I started to fight to get other people to be loved to. In fact I have always been much better at that than at getting myself loved. And those I couldn't get to be loved by others, I would help be loved by themselves. And those that couldn't even muster that, I would love.
I live now in a small city, in England, called Cambridge. Yes it is full of exceedingly pretentious university students, but also grateful students. It is filled to the brim with Liberals, those people who are very good at clever words and really good abstract concepts and ideas, but seem to be incapable of immediate compassion, and loving their neighbour.
I work in a place where I like all people, and I mean all of them. There is not one really unpleasant person in my workplace. But something is starting to creep through, an unrelenting current of cynicism, and coldness of heart.
I read this, well, I read some of it:
http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main369.shtml
I felt like crying, skimming through the beginning. Because it always breaks my heart to find people who feel, or at least state they feel, the same.
I admittedly didn't read the whole thing, I just haven't go the time. But why, why is it so difficult for people to just be nice to each other? To love not because of what they get in return, but because they love?
All I knew is that my previous blog, windruffle, had become obsolete. You see, the purpose behind there was to stir some compassion, some craving for life, some thought into people. Things happened that made me feel like that was not going to happen, so I had to diss windruffle, along with all her efforts, cryings, hurts, pains, mental stress and depression. She was trying in roundabout or direct ways to dig out some blood from a stone, as the expression goes.
I have been living in Cambridge now since 2010. All my life, and I mean ALL my life (since I started to talk, my sister tells me I used to scream to my cold-hearted Scorpio mother to love me. WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME??? I used to scream) I have done nothing but that, using different voices, intonations, recitations, confrontations, altercations, supplications.
At some point (quite young) I started to fight to get other people to be loved to. In fact I have always been much better at that than at getting myself loved. And those I couldn't get to be loved by others, I would help be loved by themselves. And those that couldn't even muster that, I would love.
I live now in a small city, in England, called Cambridge. Yes it is full of exceedingly pretentious university students, but also grateful students. It is filled to the brim with Liberals, those people who are very good at clever words and really good abstract concepts and ideas, but seem to be incapable of immediate compassion, and loving their neighbour.
I work in a place where I like all people, and I mean all of them. There is not one really unpleasant person in my workplace. But something is starting to creep through, an unrelenting current of cynicism, and coldness of heart.
I read this, well, I read some of it:
http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main369.shtml
I felt like crying, skimming through the beginning. Because it always breaks my heart to find people who feel, or at least state they feel, the same.
I admittedly didn't read the whole thing, I just haven't go the time. But why, why is it so difficult for people to just be nice to each other? To love not because of what they get in return, but because they love?
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