mind what you wish for/sii consapevole di quel che desideri

As I gaze once again at my overdrawn account, and sigh, I try and hang onto the memories of a beautiful weekend, where my friend S. came from Germany and we met up with a few friends from our old school, and my husband and a couple of resident friends met us too. It is difficult for someone like me, who made worrying and panicking at the slightest hint of a problem, to do this even though I have had quite a few years to practice now. But I consciously now move my thoughts to that warmth, that miracle that is the gathering of souls who don’t normally interact on a day to day basis, and yet somehow after a little while spent together still relate to one another, and embrace once another in love and caring and understanding and like mindedness. I realise with amazement, once again, how right all those wise people I have met in my life said, all those temporary teachers (ANYBODY you face might be your teacher of the moment in disguise...), that you really do not need to GO somewhere special to do what you dream. I realise how the placing the condition of GOING anywhere or HAVING anything in particular is just an excuse, a delay, because we’re not quite ready to undertake that something we think we really want after all. In my case I realise what I really wanted my whole life was harder than I ever would have thought. I realise the weight, the responsibility, the potential disaster it could (and often would) always lead to. We must indeed be patient, like good Jedi Padawans. It is still difficult. But now, for the first time after such an intense affair as this (which I claimed to want to live every day a few years back, and yet subconsciously pushed back because boy was it tiring, no matter how beautiful it may be) I feel replenished and happy and warm, not depleted and exhausted. I am sure it’s not ready yet, but we’re getting there. Had I been able to do what i dreamt of that many years ago, it would have, and has been, a disaster, with some huge losses along the way. I don’t regret, but I wish I had listened more, or understood better the simplicity of my lessons. So much wasted on the side. But I try very hard to not look at what is missing, like the money in the bank account, but at what I am gaining everyday.

Mentre guardo un poco desolata ancora una volta il mio conto profondamente nel fido, e sospiro, mi aggrappo ai ricordi di un bel fine settimana, dove la mi amica S. è venuta dalla Germania e ci siamo ritrovati con alcuni amici della nostra vecchia scuola, e mio marito e una coppia di amici "residenti". E' difficile per una persona come me, che ha fatto della preoccupazione e il farsi prendere dal panico al minimo accenno di problema uno stile di vita, fare questo, nonostante abbia avuto diversi anni di pratica ormai. Ma ora sposto deliberatamente i miei pensieri verso quel calore, quel miracolo che è la riunione di anime che normalmente non interagiscono in un giorno per giorno, eppure in qualche modo dopo un po' di tempo passato insieme sono ancora connesse l'una all'altra, e si riabbracciano a vicenda con amore e cura e una simile comprensione e apertura mentale. Mi rendo conto con stupore, ancora una volta, come tutte quelle persone sagge che ho incontrato nella mia vita, tutti quei maestri temporanei (CHIUNQUE tu abbia davanti potrebbe essere il tuo insegnante del momento, in incognito ...), che davvero non abbiamo bisogno di andare da qualche parte speciale per fare quello che sogniamo. Mi rendo conto di quanto l'inserire come condizione sine qua non di andare da qualche parte o di avere qualcosa in particolare, è solo un pretesto, un modo per ritardare, perché non siamo ancora pronti ad affrontare quel qualcosa che pensiamo realmente di volere, dopo tutto. Nel mio caso mi rendo conto che quello che volevo veramente tutta la mia vita sarebbe stato faticoso di quanto avrei mai pensato. Mi rendo conto che il peso, la responsabilità, il potenziale disastro a cui potrebbe portare (e spesso ha portato). Dobbiamo infatti essere pazienti, come un buon Jedi Padawan. E' ancora difficile. Ma ora, per la prima volta dopo un'esperienza intensa come questa (che ho affermato di voler vivere ogni giorno di qualche anno fa, eppure inconsciamente ho spinto lontano perché accidenti che fatica, non importa quanto bello possa essere) mi sento rifocillata e felice e al caldo, non impoverita ed esausta. Sono sicura che non sia ancora pronto, ma ci stiamo arrivando. Se fossi stata in grado di fare ciò che sognavo molti anni fa, sarebbe, ed è stato, un disastro, con alcune perdite enormi lungo la strada. Non mi pento, ma vorrei avere ascoltato di più, o meglio compreso la semplicità delle mie lezioni. Tanto sprecato per nulla. Ma cerco con determinazione di guardare non ciò che manca, come il denaro sul conto in banca, ma quello che sto guadagnando ogni giorno.

Well done, M.

Well, as expected, it didn't happen tomorrow. But here I am, only a few days later. Many wonderful things are happening around me, the main one being a friend who has left his de-humanising post at a prestigious position, with a prestigious boss in a prestigious location.  The atmosphere there was competitive to the extreme, all about sabotaging your colleagues so that their research would be flawed or badly presented and you could shine through, actual non caring about who was sitting next to you though surely all smiles in front, if asked, and so on.  Job insecurity to the extreme, asked to give your life and your mind to your best work not knowing whether you will even be able to bring it to completion. You know the drill, though normally you'd expect this attitude in a business company, say a marketing one. This is within a the field of Science research, one I used to think of as peaceful, happy apart from the brain effort, relaxed, and more importantly, noble, dignified. What has happened to dignity I wonder. Well my friend packed up his stuff, and left. He chose life, and sanity, and insecurity about the future, over depression, dehumanisation, stress, insecurity. Only this insecurity was imposed on him, it was not one he chose. Well done, M. This morning I also reflected on dating sites, and dating in general, but that's a different topic or another time.

Beh, come previsto, non è successo domani. Ma eccomi qua, solo pochi giorni dopo. Molte cose meravigliose stanno accadendo intorno a me, prima fra tutte un amico che ha lasciato il lavoro de-umanizzante in un luogo prestigioso, con un capo di prestigio in una città prestigiosa. L'atmosfera era competitiva fino all'esasperazione, tutti a sabotare i colleghi in modo che la loro ricerca risulti sbagliata o presentata male e poter quindi apparire meglio, nessun vero interesse per la persona seduto accanto a te anche se sicuramente sulla facciata tutti sorrisi, quando doveroso, e così via. Precarietà alle estreme conseguenze, devi dedicare la tua vita e la tua mente per fare il miglior lavoro possibile senza sapere se ti sarà permesso di portarlo a compimento. Sapete di cosa parlo: normalmente ci si aspetta questo atteggiamento in una azienda, ad esempio di marketing. Questo è all'interno del campo della ricerca scientifica, quella a cui pensavo un tempo come pacifica, felice a parte lo sforzo mentale, rilassata, e, quel che più conta, nobile, dignitosa. Che cosa è successo alla dignità mi domando. Beh, il mio amico ha impacchettato le sue cose e se ne e' andato. Ha scelto la vita, e la sanità mentale, e l'incertezza del futuro, invece della depressione, la disumanizzazione, lo stress, l'incertezza. Solo che questa incertezza gli era stata imposta, non era una sua scelto. Ben fatto, M. Questa mattina ho anche riflettuto su siti di incontri, e il "dating", in generale, ma questa è un'altra storia.

Good morning

I am a morning person. In the morning, I have my best ideas, my best thoughts and contemplations. However, very few people are. So the morning proceeds in outwardly chaos and mental silence and then by the time it's all outwardly quiet again, or nearly, the mind is silent, busy with the thoughts of many a thing to do.

Some people have erotic dreams, where they interact with other people. I have dreams where I'm waking up in the morning and chatting away watching the dawn with a cup of coffee with someone.

I am not moaning, promise. :)

But I do miss that, despite never having had it.

So I have decided to try and dedicate a few minutes a day to recording those thoughts, or make up new ones, before I descend into the mayhem (and positive stimulus) of everyday life.

So, this morning I walked Zoom, my dog, in the usual spot. A big field then willows then the Cam, and many rowers, ice or shine, they row.

On the way back I always walk in front of No. 3 Church Street, where there is a pigeon with wings splayed out, stuck into their prickly bush, just under their living room window.

 Every time I see it I try to remind myself to leave them a note, saying "There is a dead pigeon under your living room window". Then I realise they must have seen it, and perhaps don't fancy unsticking it. Or I just don't feel comfortable doing it, and almost like to see that oddly beautiful shape gorily stuck in such a tranquil scenario our area of Chesterton is otherwise.

I also passed the phone box, which somebody stole money from a few weeks back (I saw the look-out man, the police asked me about it and I told them). Next to it, on the floor, neatly one next to the other, four small bottles of gin. I wondered whether someone sat down and drank them sullenly between the phone box and the BT box, or whether they drank them elsewhere and then placed them there, carefully.

I had other thoughts too, on the way to the river. I thought that the reason I don't like running, especially in the countryside, is that you do it for an aim, you don't do it for the doing. When you run, you don't really look around at what surrounds you.

I realise I have thought for years that i lived at a much faster pace than other people.

Last night, after being completely exalted watching and listening to Sir Roger Penrose at the Chemistry Dept. of the University of Cambridge, and reality kept trying to barge in and destroy that exaltation, I realised I actually live much much more slowly than most people I know: I love so much in the now, that I am often resentful when I am swept away to think about something in the future. I am less annoyed than unprepared for the vortexes that open below me, as I crawl through life, and suck me into the past occasionally, or into a different dimension that is not where I am... it always takes a moment of recollection to return to the present.

I am listening to Vashti Bunyan, she helps me focus on what I write vaguely, while my little one carries on prattling to me. I do love her, but these are my 30 minutes a day, I must fight for them. 

Thirty minutes before I reopen gmail, and reality cascades onto me, take up working on the two three projects again, start reminding myself of places to call,  appointments to look out for... there, it's starting already.

I have laid down a few thoughts, there is no hope of retaining any more, let's close ten minutes early. But tomorrow, I must do this again.